I fucked.



Tonner driving, here i come.



I had to fuck it up for myself. -sigh-








On a brighter note, if you can consider this a brighter 'un, MDC has asked me for an audition this coming thursday at ninja company. yeah, MDC's the SAF Music and Drama Company. not bad, considering it's 8-5 , but the down side is i heard that the homosexuals are posted there, and competition's high.



And yes.. its been so bloody quick, and so many things, fucked up or nice, have happened the last three months. POP's in 2 weeks and a half, and boy am i missing delta coy already. putting camo cream on patrick's face before cny, field camp, range, grenade, the times out with my bunk mates, alan getting robbed after sending me home =/, digging trenches for hours, the route marches.. and its only been 12 weeks. 3 months, 21 more to go. where will i go from here ? que sara sara. let it be, then. ( of course, anything except for being a rifleman or being posting to sispec. both are "dog" units man. )


Ahh tired. book outs, book ins, book outs again. its a routine order. i'm getting the hang of it, like finally.


Celebrated grace's birthday today. happy bday grace.




SLEEP ! long have i lusted for you...............................................................

Sian. might be confined next week for re-SIT test. this sucks man. sigh. 3 and a half more weeks to POP. what, 2 more before the A level results are coming out ? i'm not really that bothered by that. maybe not yet. maybe.

You know, these days, i'm like a soul-less person walking around. i dont feel anything when i book in. i dont feel anything when i book out. it's like... what ever i do, i've got the "Ok Lor" kinda feeling.



Sometimes i just wish i could slack for the next two years of my life.
Sometimes, i wanna give it all i've got. what are the chances of me going to command school ? checking nic and clement out.. they've just recently graduated from ocs. never expected them to make it to comman school. ha. i hear specs complaining about how they suffered in silence in sispec and even now, but i never hear the NSF officers complain a single bit. it must be real tough, going through 9 months of rigorous and mental-testing training, but i guess it's all worth it.


Bottom line is, i'm not prepared to sacrifice my social life for almost anything. but i really hope i can change that.


See how contradicting i am ? no, teck. it's the same old me. just a lot quieter.


Good luck nelly bro. you've got a much better chance at command school.





Somehow the void within me's just growing and growing and growing. sometimes, words dont match body language, and i'm really upset at that. seeing how things are now, it's all been.... ahh forget it. no. nothing's changed completely, just diminished.



What's that again ? ahh. yes. feeling jaded. that word's overused and abused. but that's my emotion now, i guess.





Oh Well :) back to camp. SIT test SIT test SIT test. it's either foxtrot or charlie i'm tagging along with. oh boy. pray i wont give up.

FINALLY, OUT ! cant believe I spent my entire weekend bumming around the company line. kinda bit of a story you see....


Was supposed to have my 3-day SIT test during the weekend till monday evening... but was on status on saturday, so my PC wouldnt let me go for it. *)@#$(@&(#&(!&(@!&(@(! ahhhh heck. till the next SIT test...




Oh anyone seen a wild boar yet ? I mean.. a REAL wild boar. it's HUGEEEE man, Massive ! but it's got brains too. remember how people stereotype pigs with stupidity ? these dudes are intelligent man. threw field rations in front of one and it didnt bother eating it. instead, it ate my biscuits ! smart pig, that one.



This entry sounds a teeny bit incoherent, maybe it's the state of my mind now. very messed up. probably all the excitement 'bout the new year, i guess. got a long break from this morn till sunday evening =) which reminds me... had my SOC this morn... when people tell you SOC's sibei jialat.. it's SiBei JiaLat.



Speaking of Chinese New Year... as each and every single year passes, it's like becoming a routine for me. it's not as exciting as it was when i was smaller. now it feels something's missing, besides not going to my grandma's home since 3 years ago. well, these days, there's always this something-missing-feeling inside of me. hmm.. figures.



Yes, guess i should go to sleep now. went out with nelly and teck today =) sleep's gonna put my mind in order by tomorrow morn'







Happy Chinese New Year !!!! =)

thinking of her...


every week..


every day..


every hour..


every minute..


every second..


every single moment.


Yet it seems only apathy hangs in the air
So stagnant, so............ clinical
I'm left torpid
Like a rock in a stream, its waters unable to take me away..
Enervated by God-knows-what,
Still waiting for an answer...

Tears frosted up in my eyes
Only feeling morose yet unable to asseverate
My inner heart's desires.




There's nothing more terrible than helplessness................................








I'm half-way to becoming a real soldier. every day i'm forgetting how to feel bit by bit... the crack that floods my head with light has now become the vacuum cleaner which sucks all emotion out.