Just came back from sgt Ivan's wake. couldn't look his mom in the eye, didn't have heart to...


Jian lin's right. it's kinda an irony, took his death to reunite us delta guys.


Sgt Low told us what happened when they ran together yesterday morning. guess no one's really at fault. it's all so fustrating, there's no one to point the finger at. i'm putting out my fustration on everyone now. hope I'll sleep it off...

I really don't know how to put this. it's not the first time, nor will it definitely be the last.


I was lying in my cabin when one of my ex-platoon mates in BMT called me up. Pravin asked if I heard the news. I said, what news, man ? it just went like this : Sergeant Ivan died man.


Really, I thought he was joking. Pravin used to fool around a little, but this time he wasn't man. I told the other Delta guys in my camp 'bout it. Mervyn called our PC, and Warrant Lim confirmed it.


So many things are running through my head now. his wake's tomorrow. he passed out after running on his own this morning. I don't know how, don't know why. he was someone's baby, someone's son. he was a little egoistic, but he was still one of my sec. comms. we were his first batch.


Still remember he took us one morning on one of the days during field camp. we were slacking after fire movement. I asked him how he did for the As, it was BCD I think, said it was like fuck but at least he could take engineering, or something like that in university. that's after he ORDs.
he's only 20 man, one year older than I am. he's waifu's, or kenneth's, or even joel's age man. only one year older than I am. dude was from YJC...


I dunno if NS has turned me into an emotionally hardened person. still remembering crying for mr john lim last year in my first week of bmt. then came my aunt's passing before Chinese New Year. I hardly cried. recently, another sergeant from the SOF died in my base, then the warrant officer days ago, while running too. now... it's sergeant Ivan. I really dunno man... if I'm just getting used to Death, that I'm already numb when it comes to that, or just that I've lost the emotional side of me.


I was section IC for section one of platoon two. once during a stand by area, Sgt Ivan came up to do the inspection. as section IC, I have to follow him into the bunk. he found a box underneath jeremy's bed, and said that we had to throw away those boxes. then he found our stack of cards inside. I was like, "Oh f*************k......" but he was in a joking mood, so he went, "Hmm, contraband item. don't let anybody else see it. 5 more push ups."


His wake's tomorrow. probably will go with the Delta guys after we book out to his wake. don't know how to face his mother. sigh.

Fear is the path to the dark side...




Now that's a phrase everyone's heard of. whether it's trepidation, dread, apprehension, or just simple despair, what it ultimately creates is anger.


What I've mentioned above may sound cheesy, just another simply over-discussed topic, but have YOU given it serious thought ? george lucas may be sending an underlining message ( whether intentional or not, but I doubt it is.. ) to all of us.


Why am I writing this now ? it's just a thought, one I havent had a chance to pen, or rather, type down until now. anyone read the article on "Are These Towers Safe?" in TIME yet ? historians must agree on the fact that the true beginnings of this Age of Terrorism began on 9/11. ( I remember joking with my secondary schoolmates that our juniors'll suffer a couple more pages in their history books. ) since then, the US, and other nations too, have stepped up on their internal defences. from that point of time, fear for a second catastrophe has spread through our world, and this fear is most apparent in the US.


Some say one of the most probable targets for a second attack could be the numerous nuclear-powered plants that are spread all over America. some think it's absolutely stupid, while others regard and acknowledge the possibility, and the pernicious outcome that would engulf the entire world if there was to be a nuclear melt down set off by terrorists.


Note how the Al-Qaeda tops the list, yet the US must know they are not the only group that threatens it's survival. there must be other hidden terrorists, who even now may be planning diabolical plans, that have yet to be discovered by even America's best. these branch out to more possibilities, and more possibilities create confusion and the unknown, adding to the already growing fear that enshrouds our entire world.


The nuclear plants may suffer an attack, or maybe they, but whether it happens or not the fear will never go away. that I must say, is so sadly human nature.


My point is ? fear cannot be eradicated completely, for it'll be part of us until the end of our existence. it's just something to reflect upon, something that I don't think can be solved, because the terrorists will never stop ( maybe due to reasons such as an undying hatred towards America's meddlesome nature, or just that these poor people have nothing to do, so losing their lives' probably the only thing they have for themselves.. ) and America, being the champion of democracy and freedom, will continue fighting this terrorism without truly understanding the simplicity of "why" ? why do these poeple fight ? why do they believe that the number enemy is America ? I don't think the Americans even try to understand the problem; they just want the solution, and that's sending in its armies in another ludicrous crusade.


Hence, the problem doesn't lie with the lack of guards protecting each nuclear plant. the true problem is how do we solve this brewing, relentless hatred between the champions of freedom and the evil of terrorism ( are even those labeled as "evil" and "terrorists" truly what they are ? or are they just "terrorists" from our point of view and champions of their own cause in the eyes of their own ? ) I'd really like to know, but I know it'll not happen in my lifetime, nor will it be any time soon.

I've got loads on my mind to blog now, but for marcus's sake I won't.



But now all I can say is... Marcus is a lucky arse..... why did Clarence and I have to leave earlier than him yesterday at Rav ? why ???



-sigh- guess I shouldn't be counting on bad luck. I mean, I've got a streak of good luck for the last few weeks, like that 50 note I found at wheelock with josh aaron and val, and me getting OOC two weeks ago.




I sound greedy, but I just wish I'd get luckier, like marcus...... urgh =/ haha. but I did have fun.


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It's gonna be a lonely week !! all the guys are going for harbour practical for the next four days on the Landing Ship Tank. I'll be bumming in office.





Cheers to the bummers of the world ! Bummers, unite !

Your Tax Dollars At Work



Finally. gotten my medical certificate from the Medical Centre yesterday. and the MO thought it was sent to my unit's chief clerk already. "Welcome to the civil service, Dudley," I hear them say, "Welcome..." was bloody cross when I kept calling them on monday, and the med. board IC just didnt want to return my calls. so I made it a point to walk all the way inside of the base just to get to the medical centre.


Told my mother about it, and she said, "Now you know how the civil service works. they want something from you, they want it Now. you want something from them, ............... forget it."


STILL ! I'm not discouraged at all. I won't give up on my aspiration to be a teacher. ( Ahhh the ironies of life. I've always made fun of the profession of teaching, and here I am. Retribution, as my older brother said... )


How many teachers, I mean, the really good ones have I met in my entire life as a student ? a handful, a few, one or two ? can name a few. there's mrs marg chia, there's ms tan lye hua, and of course there's mr teo who never gave up on this hopeless econs student ( who nearly gave up on himself ) mrs marg chia taught both english, maths and science in p6, if I remember correctly. she was strict, no doubt, but she was also both nice to and patient with us. there's ms tan lye hua, who taught me english literature in secondary one. believe me, I never had the least bit of an interest in the subject then. can still remember a red zero on my mid year report card in sec one ( heHEhEhehEhEHeHEhEHeh.. no one brings their report cards back home for their parents to sign man. what's a forged signature anyway ? ) kept running away from her lessons, because I never handed in homework. I think it was when she talked to me once in the foyer of my sec. school that made me realise how much of an arse I had been. strangely enough.. I didnt gain my interest in lit till sec two. the same person taught me english in my upper sec. days. I was from 3 and 4Gabriel. it's kinda like one of those tail-end classes in my school, and coincidentally ( and I dare say fortunately ) my year's most famous guys all came together :P it was havoc, especially in maths class. but somehow, we never made much noise in ms tan's classes. she made us keep files of our notes ( proud to say that her english files were one of the few prolific files in my life :P ) she did what her profession required : she inspired, she gave us never-ending hope ( especially for those guys like zak who went to a boys' home last year ) and most importantly of all, she Taught.


Ah. Yes. Mr Ong Chee Hong. my upp. sec chemistry teacher. I think NSFs or ex national servicemen can understand how he's like. he was a specialist in the army, and he really had the sergeant in 'im, especially when you slept in class or forgot to do his homework. yeah, he's the dude who made me hold up my table, chair and schoolbag on top of my head during one of his afternoon classes. I never had a grudge on him, because what I did was wrong, and the punishment was well deserved. and what was special about him was that, he wasnt like those other guys or women who go into teaching just because they couldnt find a job somewhere else : Mr Ong wanted to teach from the start, like I do now. ( and he's a social worker now. told me he wanted to do something even more meaningful....... )


And last but not least of all, mr teo. no one believed me when I said that I dont study economics at all. ( they think I'm those assholes who always go, "no la I dun study wan, slack lo slack lo" but secretly mug at home ) well, he did. kept skipping econs lectures through my 2 years of jc, and perhaps one or two tutorials ( not to mention NOT handing in tons of homework ) he bothered to tutor me on a one-on-one basis regularly, and I think no one in my year had that kind of attention. ( yeah, it's true that the naughty ones get the most attention. ) which reminds me, I still owe him a drink...




I believe being a Teacher's not like being an accountant, or a lawyer, or even an engineer. you've gotta have passion for it, not just face your students everyday with a mindless and heartless character in front of them. there's a personal touch when it comes to teaching, which I think is what's so enduring ( to me ) about the profession.


So now I wonder if I'll ever regret being one. I always tell myself never to regret a decision I've made for myself, because for every single one I've made or will make, there's faith and belief behind them. but I'll never know what the future holds in store for me... hopefully enough it'll be an enjoyable and fruitful experience :)

It's been 6 months into my ns life ! whoa ! can I believe it ? yeah, how can I not ? but then again, I kinda got a shocker last tuesday.


You know I never expected anything lower than a PES C2, because Mr Seah was a C2 with retinal detachment in both eyes. mine's in my left. apparently, the medical board downgraded me to pes E9L9. that's basically the same as melgious and nathaniel, who've got serious med. problems, like for eg nat had a hole in his heart when he was baby. kinda weird huh.. but I'll take it.


In a way I'm a little disappointed, since I'll pass outta JRC in three weeks, and though I won't be posted out soon, I'll still miss the classes I had with Charlie... maaan being in Charlie in our classroom really gave me the school feeling. sitting with clarence and screwing some dudes up ( like how I did back in my school days. hAhahAHaHAHhaAHahhA ) and my course commander, MSG kumar.... pretty nice fella. pity he's got health probs, if not he'd be a MWO by now. dude's softer and nicer than even school teachers man. he threatens to make us stand everytime we fall asleep, while the other classes like Bravo get confinements.


( here's my usual... ) Oh Well :) to what's left of my ns life. but it's a scary thought. the clerks at by base are pretty... faggotish. nat's alright though. -shrug- better not complain though, once again I'll take it as it comes :)

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What's with the prices of Star Wars figurines these days ?! it's a total OUTRAGE ! $17.90 ! only five years ago or so it was still $10.90 ! Hasbro's ( if they're still the company producing SW dolls ) balls are growing bigger. truly, an outrage, it is. wanted to get a yoda for my cupboard in camp, but felt the pricing's pretty unreasonable, so in the end I didn't get 'im. kinda sad. I'll wait. ( something I'd normally never do for Star Wars... )


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Marche sat night with nelly and teck. same old arrogant **** place. only been there twice, and hearing from my bro's comments in the past, Yep... same old arrogant **** place :)


I don't know why so many Singaporeans still dine at the place ( hey, I was there last year for marcus's birthday, and yesterday because teck wanted to go. see how altruistic I can get. ) then again I dunno why Singaporeans are....... Singaporeanish.


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Since my pes status was done on the 12 of may 05, I just realised I needn't have done duty watch last sunday. which is why I'm a bit cross, but then again it was an experience. but safe to say, I won't have to do another duty watch in my whole life, ever again.




Hmm. wonder how's derrick in OCS now ? and Ben Wei ? and Choon -something- that canoeist captain dude. he's cool man, signed on as a navy officer. hope they're all doing fine. dick's gonna be an AI spec. aHAhahAhAHA. Thiam Peng's at stagmont camp... accidentally told him that the fags go there when I thought he went to another signals camp after telling me it's at choa chu kang ( didn't know stagmont's in cck... ) sorry bro =/ hope joel's getting into OCS too.




Yeah ! 500 or so more days to go.........................................................................................................

Here I am again, a nights off. a very much needed one, considering there's gonna be guard duty the whole of this sunday, chemical defence on tuesday and wednesday, and an expedition on thursday and friday.



Don't know what happened to me on the last entry. think I got caught up too deep into recent events. it's been real tiring going through the middle of my Rating course now. ( naaah I'm just whining.. ) I'm feeling all stressed up, but it ain't the kind of stress you get from your superiors or from school work or examinations.. it's just... idunnowhatstress.


It's definitely not sadness, not fustration, not anger or jealousy or any of those funny emotions I normally feel. it's just.............................................................. idunnowhatlah.




Should be stress from work. funny eh ? you'd think that the civil service is slack, yet you'd still get stressed from it. funny.






Right ! time to book in... and I've only watched Episode three TWICE. that's an all time low.



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