Signal Fire

The perfect words never crossed my mind,
Cuz there was nothin' in there but you.
I felt every ounce of me screaming out,
But the sound was trapped deep in me.
All I wanted just sped right past me,
While I was rooted fast to the earth,
I could be stuck here for a thousand years,
Without your arms to drag me out.

There you are standing right in front of me
There you are standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close, cuz I need you to guide me to safety.

No, I don't want to wait forever

In the confusion and the aftermath,
You are my signal fire.
The only resolution and the only joy,
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes.

No, I don't want to wait forever...





Somehow, these words do make sense even if they appear not to, and right now as I listen to 'em again and again it's making even more sense.

There's always a certain amount of reticence a person affords himself, and I make no exception for myself. For all that veneer multiloquence, I refuse to speak of certain things, of which are driven deep into my heart, even to my closest friends.

I'm an awfully terrible person. I admonish my students for not studying hard enough, telling myself to read up on the lecture notes, yet I find myself constantly in reverie. (forgive me for this incongruent paragraph, the prevalent term of "emo" is the current state of mind)

I can't help thinking of that fateful day when I saw... her. It's been more than half a year, but longer than that before seeing her that day. I'm sure it was you. Being held back by fear, fear of confronting a past, was what prevented me from approaching you. I'm very sure it was her. Teck realised she seemed edgy when she caught my eye, but I really should've talked to her.

I've got this penchant for leaving important things dangling in limbo. I thought the past would just be buried and stay buried, but it surfaces all the time. They say fate is inescapable, but so's history. If only there was a time machine... I'd correct every thing possible that I've done. Yeah... If only... I fear I've become impersonal, as opposed to the effusive persona that I once was.

Where all others fail, the only explanation left is........................ All Too Human.

Aseity - Fallacy or Verisimilitude




What is "delusion" ? The Cambridge International Dictionary of English states that it is a false belief. Dictonary.com says, Psychiatry. a fixed false belief that is resistant to reason or confrontation with actual fact: a paranoid delusion.



Richard Dawkins knew what he was doing when he wrote The God Delusion. No one who's read his other books (ashamed as I am that I have not) or known him would discredit him for it. His ideas that he postulates are so disturbing that it shakes even theists and intellects who favour intelligent design. Recently in TIME's issue of the 100 most infuential people in this world, Michael Behe commented on Dawkins' latest book. the controversy surrounding it is undeniably huge. To quote, "The central idea - popular among readers and deeply disturbing to proponents of intelligent design like myself - is that religion is a so-called virus of the mind, a simple artifact of cultural evolution, no more or less meaningful than eye colour or height."



Behe is speaking of Memes, a term coined by Dawkins himself, which is similar to the concept of genes. In pertinence to Darwin's theory of "survival of the fittest", human beings (for example) are what we are now due to naturally parsimonious genetical selection, much like the conventional idea that a parent would only want the best for their children. An idea would only survive through time because it is "selected" to champion all others. Christianity and the concept of God is one such example of Memetics. Just as the human brain has evolved to being such an entity of wonderful modernity and complexity (again, Darwin's theory), religion has survived because it is an "artifact of cultural evolution".



And so, the question still remains, and the Ultimate Boeing 747 Gambit stands impervious. To elucidate, Dawkins alludes to the belief that the probability of life originating on Earth is no better than a hurricane sweeping through a scrapyard and in its destructive processes construct a 747. (partial aberration here: I almost regret that I didn't attend Kelwin's church's sermon on Aliens and the possibility of life outside Earth. almost regret, because I only knew after Kelwin told me, which was just after the sermon ended. It would have been interesting to hear what the ACS I Methodist Church thinks about that.)

Irreducible Complexity would mean that modern biological forms were not formed by chance(evolution) and must have been designed by a Grand Designer, or in common terms, God. "However statistically improbable the entity you seek to explain by invoking a designer, the designer himself has got to be at least as improbable. God is the Ultimate Boeing 747."




Somehow, I'm stuck here and I've no idea what more to type in continuity. Sometimes too many unknowns stifle the mind, and I'm left fustrated because answers are not simply answered. It is excruciatingly fustrating to exist in a world where Humanity is exploding into a wealth of modern knowledge and science and yet religion remains an innate constituent.


However so, whatever conflict that still remains within me, I will not waver in my belief that the individual should exist with an unbigoted, undogmatic, unbiased, receptive and progressive mind. I'm proud to say that I'm alive in a time where the Human Being is constantly battling and pushing the faculties of intellect and creativity through the 21st century.



In the words of Bertrand Russell:

A good world needs knowledge, kindliness, and courage; it does not need a regretful hankering after the past or a fettering of the free intelligence by the words uttered long ago by ignorant men. It needs a fearless outlook and a free intelligence. It needs hope for the future, not looking back all the time toward a past that is dead, which we trust will be far surpassed by the future that our intelligence can create.

Whoa. It's May already ! That means a third of the year's gone, just like that.


Life's moving on for yet another turn now. I've stopped teaching, and I do pray for my students that they do well for their mid year examinations. I'll finally continue my studies, after more than two years of brain-nullifying. With the change that these two years have brought, though, I hope will bring certain benefits and advantages to the next four years of my life.


Teck's flown off to Vancouver, I'm happy he's found an apartment for himself and pray that he'll do exceptionally well in his studies there. Partings are never happy moments but we all know to be inevitable junctures of our lives.


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Yes. certain occurances in our precious lives are apparently insouciant, yet somehow as the grains of time passes through that bottleneck, you seem to choke at certain junctures. It is utterly false a statement to make when one says that certain things are immutable, which would render one helpless in hopelessness to ever hope for change. Yet, change itself has it's unique abilities to prevent any desired action too. Constants can last for a seemingly indefinite amount of time, even the universe itself may be temporary though it's immensity is vast beyond human comprehension.


Life is such a complex web of events that the only factor that is truly constant is Change itself ! (An obvious but decidedly ineludible paradox) Two common aspects would be physical and emotional changes. Physicality is easy. One can judge height easily, just simply as chocolate would determine horizontal growth in our bodies as well ! (Well, if only it was THAT easy, with just one constant factor in our lives. Chocolates, REALLY !) Emotional change, that is entirely different. One can simple switch from euphoric thoughts such as realising that a 2-dollar note's been stuck under one's foot (Well, happiness does vary in it's own right) to pure animosity when you realise your 500-pound neighbour accidentally sat on top of your pet rabbit.


I do believe with mastery of character comes the importance of emotional control. It is something I truly lacked in my studying days, and I still have trouble grasping it now. I have managed to a certain amount of small success, but to what end ? It is yet another paradox that encompasses my life, since I believe in being true to oneself as well as obtaining internal order of my soul.



How can I be true to what I desire most, yet lie to myself in a ludicrous fashion ? Do I have to finally yield to truth, bending forced personal laws and bow before primal instincts, and ultimately achieve Happiness, yet during the course destroying what I also believe in as Strength ? And it is never truly simple as it's hoped to be, too. There are external factors not within control that come into play. And so, the paradox is maintained.




So how do I cut the Gordian knot? Ultimately, it is the fear of the consequences of being so bold. I do not wish to shatter something I hold so dear, to break a bond and lose someone, again.





I pray I come to the right decisions, soon. I pray I do the right thing.